hello dear deviants,

This is just a journal for venting my thoughts, frustrations, anger, fear and other emotions on the internet. Normally I'm not really a person who shows her true colors on the internetz. But this time I feel that I have to tell it to more people than just the ones I know in real life.

First of all, ever since I started studying a university degree (music in this case) I've had 2 episodes of crying and fear a year. Yesterday was not an exception. Maybe everyone has those feelings while studying, feeling like you are the loser of your class (socially and in marks for the subject). Wondering if everyone has as few friends as you and why few people like to ask you into a conversation. If they like you or not, even try to pester you because you're "bizarre". And the heavy schedule that stomps on you everyday.

Some background on what and why:
First of all I started my first Masters degree this year with some integrated courses of a teachersdegree. yay finally getting some inside information on the how's and why's of being a teacher! ( I thought BEFORE all the shit hit the fan) This is all for teaching stuff like your musical instrument, giving solfege, musical culture and the beginnings of composition. Only to see that 3 out of 4 teachers who give the stuff are totally retarded. One actually teaches people to become kindergardnerteacher and the other is completely oblivious that she's a total b*tch. The other one has, with a lot of respect, no life. She mounts huge projects with her students and succeeds. cudoos to you but I do have a social life and will try those things after being settled in a school. And thus her lessons have a lot of preparation of wich I don't succeed to make all the work before the next lesson. It makes me sad.

So first point of all of this lot's of work for fictive classes.

Second is the people of my school. non of them are on deviant so that's okay. Only one of them I can call my best friend. Some others are okay but I don't get to see them that much. Another one of my good friends turned ugly in the social way. She got stumped on the last exam getting less points for her instrument than some of the lesser students in her class. And ever since then when I see her, I have to hear every fecking time that she got less points, followed this extracullicular class to get better and so on. every fricking time. So it's weird trying to avoid people you once cared about. Also to try and avoid people you don't want to care about. There's this girl that follows one specific class with me. she's talented but borders the musical nerdism cult very hard. And for some reason she always has to best me. If I'm reading a biografie she has all 27 editions and is getting the 28th for her christmas. When I passed my theoretical driving exam she had already passed it but didn't find the time to drive. blahblah And the most annoying, she stares at me during the lesson. so creepy. I wonder what will become from her once she has to go into real life. Ow well not that I worry just wonder. And yesterday some weird girl in my class was sitting behind me and started to talk to me with a pleasant comment: you have nice long hair, i'd like to braid it. I thought wow a first real life compliment in a long time. and then shit hit the fan yet again. She started to tell about a little niece of hers with with long thick blond hair. and that she had put it in a long tail on her head and cut it off. Then she started to tell me that she'd like to cut my hair of. WTF?! I just awkwardly laughed and turned around. It was like being bullied in Highschool someone there once tried to cut off my hair too just out of boredom. Nightmares anyone? so many many weird people. :horror:

Second point of this all is that I have pretentious and weird people that drive me nuts and very sad by just seeing them every day.

Then there is the point of slipping into one of these episodes. The last three years I've had the luck to have a boyfriend who cares a lot for me. He consoles me everytime and tells me that I'm not just a nut who started something above her head. He tells me that I work hard every day. So I shouldn't feel guilty about doing too little for school. But still I get to hear from the regular teachers that I should work more if I would like to pass the year.
In any case. I'm looking forward for January it equals a lot. namely vacation. Most of the teacherlessons go away and I have some time to be an artist again (musically and drawingwise speaking)

If you cared to read all this, I appreciate it and feel relieve that some people care.
Have a cookie


STAMPS!!!

Thanks and see you next time.